Halfway to Forever Page 17

  Helen helped her into the house and, with a shaky hand, she scribbled a note for Tanner.

  I can’t take it anymore, Tanner … I’ll be out late. Don’t wait up. I love you more than you know.

  Jade

  She studied it through a fresh layer of tears. So what if Tanner didn’t know where she was? He hadn’t been home enough to notice how bad she’d gotten; hadn’t spent time with her and Ty the way he might have. Jade hesitated.

  It was fear; it had to be.

  Tanner cared, of course—he loved her more than his own life—but whatever had come over him since her last seizure, his absence was more than Jade could stand. Especially now, with death breathing down her neck. All of life had become a race for survival. A race in which she was losing Tanner.

  Whether she lived or died, she was losing him.

  There were a dozen things Jade was desperate to bring before the Lord—her health, her baby’s chances of survival. Her life. But before she left that night, Jade uttered the only plea that really mattered.

  God, bring Tanner back to me. Please. Before it’s too late.

  Seventeen

  There was no point trying to concentrate.

  Tanner planted his elbows in the open file on his desk and pressed his fingers against his tired, aching eyes. How could he work, when all he could think about was Jade, the hurt in her voice as they’d talked …?

  He gave a hoarse laugh. Talked? Who was he kidding? They hadn’t talked in days, not really.

  His late hours were frustrating her; that much was clear. But what was he supposed to do? The case needed him. Desperately. Every hour at work meant a greater chance for success at the trial. Victory wouldn’t come unless he stayed devoted.

  Right?

  Tanner tapped his pencil on his desk as a dagger of guilt sliced through his heart. The arguments he had created to justify his time away from Jade suddenly collapsed like a house of cards. He covered his face with his hands and tried to settle his nerves. What is it, God? What’s wrong with me? My wife’s home dying, and I’m here at work.

  He peered through the spaces in his fingers, and his gaze settled on a plaque near the edge of his desk. Jade had given it to him on the one-year anniversary of his helping her win back custody of Ty. A Scripture that was one of their favorites was carved in the middle.

  Be still and know that I am God.

  The words played again and again in Tanner’s mind, but they seemed to have no relevance to any of the troubles burying him at the moment. He let his hands fall to the desk and stared at the outline for what could be his biggest case yet.

  Tanner’s research had been exhaustive. He had reams of information he could hardly wait to share with a jury. He imagined their reaction when he revealed his favorite little-known facts. He glanced at his notes. For instance, separation of church and state, the idea most people attributed to the Constitution, was actually not in the Constitution at all.

  The First Amendment said only this: “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof.”

  His eyes moved down the page.

  The idea of separation of church and state came from a letter Thomas Jefferson wrote to a group of Baptists, assuring them that no act of government would infringe on their right to believe. Why? According to Jefferson’s letter, because that clause in the Constitution provided a wall separating church and state.

  A wall that separated the church from the state, not the state from the church. The state was the power that threatened the church, not the other way around as was so often interpreted today.

  Every case Tanner and Matt had ever fought had somehow been birthed out of that single letter from Jefferson, but never had Tanner turned the tables and used the same argument in favor of a client.

  Until now.

  His approach would surprise not only the attorneys representing the city of Benson, but in time it would surprise the entire nation. The case could be that big. The reason it was taking so much time, though, was that while Tanner’s premise was simple, proving it would be something entirely different.

  But if Tanner thought building a precedent-setting case against a hostile city council was difficult, it was nothing compared to the effort of concentrating on work while Jade was wasting away at home.

  He clenched his teeth and turned his chair toward the window. The sun was setting, leaving a trail of pinks and oranges that was characteristic of the Southern California evening sky. Who was he trying to fool? He should be home with Jade, caring for her, waiting on her, loving her.

  But watching her waste away was more than he could bear. Even if he couldn’t think straight, he was better off at the office, doing his best to push the hands of time to a place where the nightmare they were living might be over.

  Besides, Jade didn’t miss him. She slept most of the time and when she was awake …

  Tanner’s eyes burned with the onset of tears. When she was awake, she could hardly carry on a conversation. The medication had affected her that much. Snapshots from the past few weeks flashed in the photo album of his mind. Jade trying to climb out of bed and falling to her knees; Jade picking at a plateful of food, unable to eat.

  But worst of all were their conversations. Moments like the one that had taken place the night before. He’d come home late again and found Ty and Helen watching I Love Lucy reruns. He kissed Ty and asked about his baseball practice. After a few minutes he looked around. “Is Jade in bed?”

  “She wanted to stay awake until you got home.” Helen cast him a disapproving look. “But she was too tired.”

  Tanner ignored the unspoken accusations. “Oh.” He looked at Ty. “I’ll be back in a minute.”

  Upstairs he found Jade asleep, propped against a stack of pillows. He took quiet steps toward her and sat on the edge of their bed. “Jade …”

  She moaned and moved her head an inch in either direction.

  Tanner angled his head, his heart breaking at the sight of her, weak and frighteningly thin despite her pregnant belly. “Jade, I love you.”

  “Hmmm.” She blinked several times, squinting at the light and then recognizing Tanner. “Oh … hi. You’re home.”

  Her words were slow, measured. Tanner steadied himself. “How’re you feeling?”

  She raised one shoulder, and her eyes struggled to stay open. “Okay. The same.”

  They looked at each other for a moment, and Tanner searched for the words that might help. There was only one thing that really mattered—whether Jade was feeling worse, experiencing new symptoms. But clearly she didn’t want to discuss herself.

  He spread his palm out on the bedspread and leaned back. “I’m using the separation of church and state ruling in the case against Benson.”

  For a moment, Jade’s eyes were blank. Then gradually they narrowed as though she were concentrating on something intensely serious. “Sepa … sepra … seprish …” She clenched her fists and uttered a frustrated groan. “Help me say it, Tanner!”

  “Hey—” he sat straight up, his stomach churning—“Take it easy. You’re tired, that’s all.” What was wrong with her? Was the medication taking her ability to talk, or was the tumor growing into the part of her brain that controlled speech? Her words were not only slow they were slurred, so either option was equally possible.

  And equally terrifying.

  He swallowed. “I said I’m using the separation of church and state ruling in the case against Benson.”

  Jade bit her lip and tried again. “Separsh … sepa.”

  That was all. She hung her head, and tears fell on the bedspread.

  “I can’t … say it. The letters get all mixed up.”

  There was nothing he could do, nothing at all. So he turned off the light, stroked her forehead, and waited until she fell asleep before joining Ty and Helen downstairs.

  The memory cleared and he looked once more at the plaque on his desk.

  Be still, and k
now that I am God.

  He had no doubt about the last part. God existed as surely as the sun and moon. Tanner might not understand what God was doing in their lives, why after so many years apart Jade had to get sick, but his faith remained.

  No it wasn’t the belief-in-God part of the plaque that troubled Tanner. It was the being still part. How could he be still? The pain of watching Jade fade away was never more intense than when he stopped moving, stopped thinking about work or Ty or the problems other people faced. People like Matt and Hannah.

  He read the verse again … and was struck by a thought. He had to keep working. Only by staying busy would the days pass and lead him to the place where their baby girl was home and Jade was healthy. But staying busy was also keeping him from Jade … from the woman he loved with all his heart, the woman who needed him.

  Tanner stared at the Benson file and slowly closed it. His head ached and his heart hurt. Even if Jade was sleeping, even if the medication was sapping the life from her, he needed to be home. Maybe that’s why the plaque on his desk had shouted at him for the past hour. Maybe God wanted him home with Jade, even if seeing her slow and sick and tired was the hardest thing in his life.

  He drew a steadying breath and exhaled through clenched teeth. “Okay, God, I’ll go.”

  Thirty-five minutes later, Tanner walked through the front door and stopped short. The lights were off. It looked like even Helen wasn’t home. “Hello?” His voice echoed through the foyer, but otherwise the silence remained.

  Typically Helen would have cooked something for dinner, but there was only the faint smell of vanilla, Jade’s favorite fragrance, mostly likely left over from a candle she’d burned that morning. “Jade? Ty?”

  When there was no response, Tanner’s heart skipped a beat and he rushed into the kitchen, flipping on a light switch. There on the island countertop was a note. Tanner pictured Jade seizing again, falling to the floor … Helen calling an ambulance. What if this time it was worse than before? What if …?

  He reached for the slip of paper, his voice quiet and unsteady. “No, Jade … not again …”

  His eyes raced over the page.

  I can’t take it anymore, Tanner … I’ll be out late. Don’t wait up. I love you more than you know.

  Jade

  At the bottom, in Helen’s handwriting, were a few sentences that must have been written to keep Tanner from worrying: Ty’s spending the night at a friend’s house. Jade and I are at church.

  Tanner read the note three more times, grabbed his car keys, and headed back outside. As he drove to church, he realized that everything he’d gone through in his life before this—the hurt of losing Jade as a boy and again as a young man, the ache of knowing that he had missed out on raising Ty all those years, even the devastation of Jade’s illness—all of it paled in comparison to this pain, this terrible ache that never went away.

  Because always before the hurt was someone else’s fault. Never had either of them acted willfully against the other. But now, as the words of her note took root in his soul, he knew that only one person was responsible for making Jade feel lonely and let-down in her greatest hour of need.

  That person was him.

  Pastor Steve was still in his office when Jade and Helen entered the sanctuary. The man—a kind preacher in his forties—heard them enter, and when he saw Jade in her wheelchair he came to her. Both the Bronzans and the Eastmans attended Los Robles Community Church and took turns doing the puppets for children at second service. All of them considered Pastor Steve and his wife friends.

  Jade raised her hand in the pastor’s direction. She hated the fact that she was crying, and that being pushed down the center aisle in a wheelchair was obvious proof she was not doing well. She wiped at her tears and nodded to the man. “Hi, Pastor.”

  “Jade …” He put his hand on her shoulder. “What’s wrong, dear?”

  There were so many things to say, so many questions to ask, that Jade didn’t know where to begin. But the relief of knowing someone was willing to listen brought on another wave of tears. “I … I’m sorry.” Her voice cracked. “I need to talk.”

  Pastor Steve glanced at Helen. “I have time. Would you like me to take her home?”

  “Yes.” Jade nodded before Helen could answer. “Why don’t I do that, Helen? That way Tanner won’t worry. Besides—” she looked back at Pastor Steve—“I might be here awhile.”

  “That’s fine. This is my late night. Normally I have counseling appointments but no one showed up.” He gave her a smile. “I’ll be happy to drive you home.”

  Helen left, and once they were alone, he took a seat on the edge of one of the pews and faced Jade. “I see a dozen emotions on your face, as clearly as if they were written there.”

  Jade’s gaze fell, and she tightened her grip on the arms of the wheelchair. “At least a dozen.”

  “Like I said, I have time.” The man’s voice was patient and filled with kindness. “Why don’t you start by telling me why you’re here?”

  The memories that had troubled her for so long came to mind again, and Jade leaned back in her chair. She looked at Pastor Steve’s face and saw nothing but understanding. Then, with only a few tears here and there, she told him everything. She talked about finding Tanner that summer in Kelso and getting pregnant the day before he left for a six-week mission trip. And she explained the mistake she made in marrying Jim Rudolph, and every sad milestone from that point until their divorce. She told him how, after marrying Tanner, some people condemned her for committing adultery.

  “And now I have to wonder …” Jade’s heart beat stronger than before. Though she was still weak, telling the story to Pastor Steve infused her with a strength she’d been missing for days.

  The pastor leaned forward a bit. “About what?”

  Jade crossed her arms in front of her and gripped her elbows. “About whether God is using cancer to punish me. You know, for committing adultery.”

  “Oh, Jade, no …” Pastor Steve shook his head. “You can’t think that.”

  “But … why else would God allow this?”

  The pastor leaned back and crossed one leg over the other. “First, let’s talk about illness.” His eyes softened. “Bad things happen to God’s people, Jade. That’s always been true. This is a fallen world, and life here is not the ultimate goal. Heaven is.”

  Jade had heard the explanation before, but it always fell flat. God was a miraculous God. Certainly he could have healed Jade by now, or better yet, prevented the cancer from growing in the first place. The idea that she was being punished seemed far more likely. “But it feels like God’s mad at me.”

  For the next half hour the pastor reminded her of Bible verses, sharing example after example of something bad happening to someone who loved God. When he was finished, he shared a final verse from the Book of John, “ ‘In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.’ ”

  The words soothed the raw places in Jade’s soul. She had read the verse dozens of times over the years, but now it was as though she were hearing it for the first time … understanding a truth she’d always missed. The Lord hadn’t only overcome the world’s trouble, He had overcome hers. Personally.

  Tears swam in her eyes and she studied Pastor Steve’s face. “I never thought of it that way.” She reached for a tissue in the pocket of her wheelchair. “Like God had already—” she looked down at her chair and back at the pastor—“overcome this.”

  Pastor Steve hesitated. “There’s more. Let’s talk about marriage and divorce. I’ve been asked about this so often that one day I wrote a brief explanation. It’s something I printed up for people like you, people with these questions and concerns.” He stood and headed for his office, which adjoined the front of the sanctuary. “I’ll be right back.”

  Seconds later he returned with a preprinted card. The front read, “In case you wonder …”

  Jade opened it and began to read:

 
; Dear friend, I appreciate your questions about God’s view on marriage and divorce. While I do not have the definitive answer in this matter, I have searched the Scriptures on the issue. In that light, I would like to give you my understanding of Christ’s position, as I see it in the Bible.

  Each of the Gospels talks about divorce to some degree. However, the text in Matthew 19:9 says, “I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.”

  I’ve thought and thought on this verse, and in trying to understand it I’ve used the word replacement method. In the following examples I’ve replaced the key words from that verse, but kept the sentence structure the same. Here goes:

  Anyone who eats pizza, except for cheese pizza, will get heartburn.

  Who doesn’t get heartburn? The person who eats cheese pizza. Let’s try another:

  Anyone who lies in the sun, except for the one who wears sunscreen, will get burned.

  Who doesn’t get burned? The one who wears sunscreen. Or this one:

  Anyone who misses school, except for illness, will receive a fail.

  Who doesn’t receive the fail? The one who misses school because he’s sick.

  Many people will argue that once a married person is divorced, they must never remarry because to do so would result in adultery. Yes, there are verses that say this, but there is also Matthew 19:9.

  Now if God said it, I believe it. In this case, the words are God’s, not mine. We are left to stand back and look at the larger picture, the picture of Christ as our merciful God and Savior. Why would He say, “Except for marital unfaithfulness?” I have to believe it’s for this reason: When a person’s spouse is unfaithful—physically or otherwise— and has a hard heart toward reconciliation, God does not seem to condemn the faithful spouse to a life of isolation.

  Therefore, though the Lord hates divorce, the faithful spouse who remarries is not guilty of adultery. That’s how I read it, anyway. If you have any questions, contact me at the church office.