This Side of Heaven Page 23

  gave the fives and tens, instead of always being on the taking side.

  And now, even though she still didn’t understand, she was about to find out.

  Annie had never been so quiet in all her life.

  The whole way here—on the trip to the Denver airport, during the flight through O’Hare to LaGuardia, while they waited at the rental car counter, and during the drive here to Queens—she had no interest in making small talk. All she could think was that this should have been Josh’s trip. Now that they’d found Savannah, now that they knew for sure she was Josh’s daughter, the chance to meet her and get to know her even for a short time belonged to Josh.

  So she spent the time wondering what he would have been thinking, and anticipating the moment when she would first see Savannah the way Josh would have looked forward to it. This was the single goal through all of his pain and suffering, the one moment that mattered more to him than any other.

  Annie linked hands with Nate, and a few steps behind them came Lindsay. That moment was finally here, and Annie wondered if she’d remember to breathe. It was the first Wednesday in November, but the afternoon was still warm, the leaves every shade of orange and yellow and red. Twenty years from now Annie knew without a doubt she would remember everything about this minute. The way Nate’s hand felt in hers, the clutter on the front porch of the foster family, the colors in the leaves, and the feel of fall in the air. Her heart beat so hard she wondered if it would burst through her chest. Nate went to knock on the front door, but before he could reach it, an older woman opened it and smiled at them. “You must be the Warrens.”

  “Yes.” Nate fell back beside Annie. “Thank you for making this possible.”

  “Anytime I can be part of something good for these kids, it makes my day.” She held out her hand. “I’m Marti.” The three of them introduced themselves, and Marti explained that Savannah didn’t know who they were or how they were connected. “I figured I’d let you take care of that part.”

  The questions came again in a wild rush. What if she didn’t understand? What if she had no idea who Josh was or that he was her father? How could they erase seven years of having no relationship in a single afternoon? Nate must have seen her anxiety, because he squeezed her hand and gave her a look that said not to worry. Everything would be okay.

  Marti welcomed them in and moved aside. There, standing at the far end of the room, was Savannah, the girl from the picture. She was older now, her eyes more guarded than they’d been when she was four. But they were Josh’s eyes. Annie was sure that Nate and Lindsay could see that as easily as she could. Marti stepped into another room, saying something about leaving them alone so they could get to know each other.

  Annie couldn’t focus on anything but the little girl, Josh’s daughter. “Hi, honey.” Annie took a few steps closer to the girl and then stooped down so she was at eye level with her. “I’m Annie.”

  “Hi.” Savannah gave a little wave of her hand, but she kept her chin tucked down, too shy to make a move in their direction. “I’m Savannah.”

  How often had Josh longed to hear those simple words? Annie pressed her finger to her upper lip, refusing the tears lining up along the back side of her soul. “Nice to meet you, Savannah.”

  Nate and Lindsay took turns introducing themselves, and then Annie motioned for the three of them to take seats around the room. Savannah stayed standing in the far corner. Nate coughed a few times, and Annie could tell he was fighting tears. “Would you like to sit for a minute?”

  “No, thank you.” Savannah did a half twirl one way and then the other, and though she still had shy eyes for them, a smile tugged at her lips. “I got a new sundress and a new sweater.”

  Annie wanted to take her to FAO Schwarz and let her buy whatever she wanted. She dismissed the thought. If this was their only chance to meet Savannah, her attention couldn’t be on all the girl didn’t have. Nate nodded at her, silently asking her to take the lead in the conversation that needed to happen before they could spend the afternoon with her.

  Annie slid forward a few inches and looked at her granddaughter, at the eyes that were so familiar. “Honey, you don’t know who we are, right?”

  Savannah shrugged one dainty shoulder. “You’re nice people, that’s what my foster mother said. And you love Jesus.”

  “Right.” Annie appreciated the woman’s comments. They needed all the help they could get to make this little girl understand who they were and why they were here. She exhaled, silently begging God for the right words. “What do you know about your daddy, Savannah?”

  As soon as the question was out of her mouth, Annie saw the child respond. Her eyes began to dance and she clasped her hands the way young children do on Christmas morning when they wake to find the rocking horse or doll or train set they’d always wanted. That’s how Savannah looked, and she moved her gaze from Annie to Nate to Lindsay, and back to Annie again. “Can you wait a minute?”

  “Sure, honey.” Annie glanced at the others while Savannah ran off down the hall toward the back of the house.

  “At least she knows who he is.” Nate dabbed his knuckle beneath one eye and then the other. “Did you see her light up? I think she knows, don’t you?”

  “Definitely,” Lindsay whispered. “I can’t believe how much she looks like Josh.”

  “She looks like you, too.” Annie had realized it as the girl reacted to the mention of her father. Her excitement changed something in her face, and suddenly Annie felt like she was looking at a mix of Josh and Lindsay at that age.

  They heard Savannah’s feet coming down the hall, running as fast as she could by the sounds of it. Breathe, Annie ordered herself. Breathe so you don’t pass out on the living room floor. Please, God, help me breathe.

  Savannah rounded the corner and stopped short. In her hands was a framed photo—a five-by-seven. She held it out in front of her and with a look that was pure adoration, she studied the picture. Then she turned it so they could see the photo.

  Annie gasped softly and put her fingers over her lips. The picture was Josh a few years ago, before the accident. Savannah’s eyes shone as she looked from the picture back to Annie. “This is my daddy.” She smiled with a pride that knew no limits. “He’s a Prince Charming.”

  Across the room, Lindsay looked away, probably so Savannah wouldn’t see her tears. Annie felt Nate put his arm across her shoulders. She hadn’t counted on this; none of them had. The idea that Savannah might not only know who her dad was, but that she’d have a picture of him, that she’d so completely adore him.

  Annie could barely force any words from her mouth, let alone her heart. The image of Josh’s daughter holding his picture and calling him a Prince Charming would stay with her forever. She locked eyes with her granddaughter. “How do you know about him, Savannah? Who told you?”

  A ribbon of fear wove its way through Savannah’s smile. “My mama.” She squirmed as if maybe that part wasn’t quite true. “I think she knew him a long time ago, because she had this picture. She put it in the trash one day when she was cleaning out our room, way back when I was a little girl. She said once it was my daddy.” Savannah swallowed hard and her eyes found Josh’s in the picture again. “She told me he was a real Prince Charming. Since she didn’t want the picture, I took it.” She held it close to her chest. “Mama doesn’t know, but . . . I’ve kept it ever since then.”

  A few seconds passed while Annie processed what her granddaughter was saying. Basically, Maria had tried to end Josh’s presence in Savannah’s life, but she’d found the picture and asked about it. All Annie could figure about the Prince Charming bit was the obvious—Maria had meant the comment sarcastically. But Savannah had been too young to understand sarcasm, so she’d taken her mother’s comment to heart. She’d also taken the photo and kept it in hiding every day since then.

  Annie wanted to take the little girl in her arms and tell her the truth about Josh—that he really was a Prince Charming. That he had li
ved for the chance to meet her, but that he’d lost that chance forever. And the worst part of all—that her daddy from the photograph was dead.

  Nate leaned closer to Savannah. “Your mother doesn’t know you have the photograph?”

  A worried look darkened Savannah’s countenance. “You’re not going to tell her, are you?”

  “No, dear.” Nate’s answer was quick. “Definitely not.”

  “Mama told me I would meet my daddy later. Much later.” She looked out the window to the street beyond. “I thought maybe you were going to bring him to me.”

  “Well, that’s why we asked you about him.” Annie slid over and patted the spot on the sofa between her and Nate. “Want to sit here with us?”

  Savannah hesitated, but then she tucked the framed picture beneath her arm and slowly crossed the room. She sat on the slightest edge, half standing, and she studied the picture. “He looks like a Prince Charming, don’t you think?”

  Annie could hardly believe they were sitting here with Josh’s daughter. “I can tell you this, honey. Your daddy was definitely a Prince Charming. We just learned that about him.”

  Savannah’s eyes lit up again and she turned fully toward Annie. “You know him? My daddy?”

  Annie wondered how many times a person’s heart could break. How could they be the first real connection to her daddy the child had ever known, and in the same breath tell her that he was no longer alive? Tell me what to say, God. . . . Help us get through this time with Savannah.

  I am with you, daughter. . . . I will give you the words.

  The peace of God’s promises gave Annie the strength she needed.

  Even if it was only enough to survive a few minutes at a time.

  TWENTY-FOUR

  The time had come to tell Savannah the truth about who they were. Annie wanted to take hold of her granddaughter’s hand, but it was too soon, so she stayed in her spot. On the other side of their granddaughter, Nate did the same. Lindsay was still crying softly across the room, taking in the scene.

  Savannah was waiting for an answer. “Yes, honey, we know him.” She could feel herself being led along by the Holy Spirit, feel God leading her in what to say and when to say it. “Your daddy is our son—mine and Nate’s.”

  “And he’s my brother.” Lindsay touched her fingers to the place above her heart. “We all love him very, very much.”

  Savannah was on her feet. Her smile took up her whole face and she ran to Lindsay, putting her small hands on Lindsay’s knees. “You’re his sister?”

  “Yes. He’s always been my best friend.”

  “Really?” She raised her eyebrows high up into her forehead. “Mine, too!” She darted back to Nate. “And you’re his daddy?”

  “Yes, honey.” Nate touched the girl’s shoulder. “You know what that makes me?”

  She looked like she might have an idea, but she wasn’t sure enough to voice it. Instead, she shook her head.

  “It makes me your grandpa, Savannah.”

  “Like Grandpa Ted!” Savannah gasped and put both her hands over her mouth. When she dropped them she rushed into Nate’s arms and flung her hands around his neck. “Grandpa Ted’s in heaven, but you’re right here. I didn’t even know I had another grandpa, so now you can be my grandpa Nate, okay?”

  Nate’s chin was quivering. He had one hand on Savannah’s back, and with the other he squeezed the bridge of his nose. He nodded, and Annie knew it was because he couldn’t say anything. After another big hug, Savannah turned to her. “Then . . . are you my grandma?”

  Annie wanted to freeze the moment. She held out her arms toward Josh’s daughter. “Yes, honey. I’m your grandma.”

  Savannah didn’t rush into a big hug the way she had with Nate. Instead, she seemed mesmerized by Annie, by the idea of having a grandmother. “I never had a grandma before.”

  “You do now.” Annie couldn’t fight the tears another minute. They came despite her smile. “I’ll always be your grandma, because your daddy is my son.”

  Savannah nodded slowly. “You’re”—she reached up and gingerly touched her little girl fingers to Annie’s dark hair—“you’re very beautiful, Grandma Annie.”

  A small sob escaped from Annie and she tenderly took the girl into her arms. “You’re beautiful, too, Savannah. I see your daddy in your eyes.” They hugged for a long time, and Annie wanted the moment to end right there, without the admission of anything so sad as Josh’s death. The ending was all wrong. She sniffed and ran her hand along Savannah’s small back. “Would it be okay if we took you to the park?”

  “Central Park?” Savannah looked suddenly afraid. “You mean, to beg for money?”

  Annie was horrified. “No, honey. The park at the end of the street. So we can play on the swings and talk about your daddy.”

  Again the girl’s smile was as wide and innocent as a sunrise. “I’d like that very much.”

  They told Marti they were leaving, and the four of them climbed into the blue rental car. A few minutes later they pulled into the lot of Maple Leaf Park, and once they were outside they headed for the swings. Annie whispered quietly to Nate and Lindsay. Sometime in the next hour she wanted a few minutes alone with Savannah, so she could tell her the truth about Josh in a way that wouldn’t seem overwhelming. It was what they’d agreed to before the trip, and Nate and Lindsay both whispered their agreement.

  Annie wanted to delay the news as long as possible. Savannah held her hand as they walked to the playground and when they were ten yards from the swings, she broke free and ran to the closest one. “Can I ride one, please?”

  “Of course.” Despite so much that was sad about the visit, Annie couldn’t help but be filled with happiness at the sight of Josh’s daughter begging for a ride on a swing. Like their time together was as normal as that of any other grandparents spending an afternoon with their granddaughter. “Go ahead.” Annie laughed. “Climb on and I’ll push you.”

  Savannah grabbed hold of the metal chains and sat down awkwardly, as though she wasn’t sure the swing would hold her up. “Not too high, okay? I’ve never been on swings before.”

  The news shifted Annie’s emotions one more time, and hit her hard. Her granddaughter had never been on swings? “I thought you said you and your mother spent a lot of time in Central Park.”

  “We beg money there.” Savannah looked embarrassed at the fact. “Mama always said that people wouldn’t give money if we looked like we were at the park for fun. So no swings for us.”

  Annie was glad she wasn’t meeting Maria Cameron on this trip. She wasn’t sure she would be responsible for her actions if she had a chance to address the woman in person. She let go of her anger and frustration, so that Savannah wouldn’t think for a second it was directed at her. “Here.” Annie put her hands around Savannah’s smaller ones. “Hold tight to the chains and I’ll push you really slowly. Just tell me if you feel like you’re going too high.”

  She moved around behind her granddaughter and gave her the most delicate pushes. “Don’t let go.”

  “I won’t.” Savannah was clearly petrified, but as the ride continued she relaxed and began to giggle. “I like this, Grandma Annie. It’s like I’m flying.”

  “Tell me if you want to go higher.”

  “Okay.” Savannah’s giggle became a full-fledged laugh. “Higher, please.”

  Annie did as she was asked. This was how all of life might have been for Savannah, only Josh should have been the one pushing her, and Annie should have been on the park bench next to Nate and Lindsay. She was a delightful child, and if Josh had known her these past seven years, no doubt the five of them would have shared countless happy times like this one.

  They moved from the swings to the monkey bars, and then to the double slides. Annie even climbed up and rode down next to her granddaughter until she felt brave enough to tackle the slide on her own. After her fifth time down, Savannah set her feet in the sand and caught her breath, her narrow sides heaving with the exert
ion, her cheeks red and full of life.

  She angled her pretty face at Annie. “Did my daddy like going to the park when he was a little boy?”

  “Yes.” Annie sat on the end of the second slide. She pictured the free spirit Josh had been at Savannah’s age. “He would run from the swings to the slide and back again until he could barely take another step.”

  Savannah giggled. “I can’t wait to meet him.” She put her hand on Annie’s knee. “Do you think he could push me on the swings when he comes here?”

  For a crazy instant Annie thought about keeping the charade going. What was the difference whether Savannah knew about Josh’s death? Could any harm come from her holding on to the image in the photograph, believing her Prince Charming daddy was going to come for her one of these days? The answer was as obvious as daylight. Annie reached for Savannah’s hand. God, please. . . . I can’t do this without You.

  “And hey”—Savannah grinned at her—“if you know my daddy, could you tell him to hurry? I don’t want to meet him much later, but right now. Today, if that’s okay with him.”

  “Savannah”—Annie felt God giving her the ability to speak the words that had to be said—“honey, your daddy isn’t coming for you.”

  The news seemed to hit her slowly, like a gradual rain, the kind where it took several drops of wetness before the reality of the storm sank in. Her thin shoulders slumped forward a little and her eyes held a mix of shock and betrayal. “Why not?” Her mouth hung open, and the beginning of tears sprang to her eyes. “I’ve been waiting for him a very long time.”

  “I know.” Annie wondered how much her heart could take. “You see, honey, a month ago your daddy went to sleep and he never woke up. He went to heaven instead.”

  “To heaven?” Savannah stood and stared at Annie. “My daddy is in heaven? Like Grandpa Ted?”

  “Yes, baby.” Annie reached for Savannah’s hand.